Minor spoiler alert!

I’m only giving myself 20 minutes to get this out of my system. Then, I’m going to be on a mission to get the last three years and two months of my life back. No, I’m not just asking for the fourteen hours I spent at the theater yesterday. I want it all back.

It’s never been a secret that I wasn’t a fan of the Breaking Dawn book, but I never realized how much I hated it until I saw it brought to life this morning on the big screen. I have to give credit to the screenwriter and director. They stuck with the book.

Unfortunately, it’s the worst source material ever.

What I realized, after seeing the movie, was just how much I hated the book. I loved the wedding, and the honeymoon. (Read any of my material, and you’ll know that I am a romantic through and through.) Somehow, I managed to focus on that wedding and honeymoon so much that all the WTF moments in the book were just fleeting thoughts in my mind. I could always push aside the fact that Bella drank blood, that Native American boys “imprint” on girls as young as, well, a few hours old, or that Edward chomped chomped chomped (insert disgusting sound effects here) a baby out of Bella’s womb. Even though the book spelled out all of those parts in gruesome detail, I chose to downplay them, and focused on the things I did like. (The wedding, the honeymoon.)

I mean, I can remember when I finished the book three years ago, I had a hard time powering through the last third of it because nothing happens. In between the honeymoon and that, though, there were enough “what is she thinking?!” moments that kept me turning the pages. Oh, how I wish I had taken those moments to heart and prepared myself for this movie.

I was so disappointed. (As an aside, I should have known it was not going to be a good night when the Hunger Games trailer did not play in front of Breaking Dawn.) Secretly, I’m hoping there will be a DVD version akin to the “director’s cut” that offers a shorter version of the movie… the cut for the fan who never did like horror films or over-dubbed wolfie-speak. I really would love to see some of the honeymoon scenes again, particularly the ones where Edward couldn’t stop smiling and kissing his new bride. Some of those scenes were beautiful and utterly sweet.

My recommendation to people who didn’t like the book: leave as soon as Edward shakes the airport man’s hand (another WTF moment in the movie, BTW). He looks cute in his shorts and sneakers, but the movie just barrels downhill from there. I *may* rent the movie some year in the far-away future, but only when the Rifftrax guys have prepared better dialogue. I feel sorry for Robert Pattinson, that he had to be associated with this monstrosity. Up until this point, I felt like he could walk away from Edward Cullen and have a life beyond him. Now, I’m worried I’ll forever have the image of his bloody mouth burned into my brain. So un-sexy.

The only saving grace here is that I’ve made so many friends from our shared Twilight addiction. Fortunately, those friendships will outlive my disappointment in the movie.

Now, I’m going to get back to my mission, the one I set out to achieve when I finished Breaking Dawn back in 2008: to write a series of books that is better than Twilight. I pledge to my readers right now that no husband will ever chew a baby out of a stomach. Ever. I figure that’s a good step.