I’m still here…

But I don’t feel like me. I can’t believe it’s been over two and a half months since my last post. I had to clear off cobwebs from the site and everything, but it was nice to see that everything was where I left it.

I have so many things to say, but I feel stifled and silenced. I’ve left politics off my blog, but they exist in every other facet of my life. I feel I can be my most authentic self on Twitter, but I am not the person I want to be on Facebook anymore. I am a shell of myself, and it has put me into this depressed state that I can’t seem to escape from. I share stories that reflect my opinions but rarely do I actually share my opinions in my own words. I don’t feel like I can anymore.  People already dislike me for my beliefs.

These are people I didn’t know six years ago when I was just Lori Otto, a girl who was editing stories that her friends were excited to read. All I did was publish some books and then write some more. Somehow, strangers became interested in my personal life, and against forces of nature, my introverted self let them in.

I was different back then. I’ll be the first to admit it. But writing books allows me to self-reflect. Writing teaches me more about myself and gives me a stronger sense of who I am. If you’re a writer, you probably understand this. My beliefs are interwoven in every damn book I’ve written. It was subtle in the beginning, but in 2015, they became blatant and in-your-face. I knew I’d lose some readers, but I felt authentic, and I was okay with that. I was content with my decision.

I didn’t know I’d lose friends. But I have. And for the past 9 months, I’ve been struggling with this concept of friendship and what it really is, anyway.

I have so many things to say, but I feel stifled and silenced.


6 thoughts on “I’m still here…

  1. I don’t post my political or religious views on any form of social media—blog, Facebook, or Twitter. I know of people who let it all out there, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Even as opinionated as I am. Lol. There have been times where I’ve felt stifled. Like I can’t be my full self. But I also know that I don’t need the stress of being attacked or ridiculed or feeling like I have to battle in a war for my words. In the end, I’d rather live in peace. Sorry you feel like you can’t be yourself. If friends can’t accept you even if you’re different from them, then they aren’t your friends. I learned this recently when someone who I thought of as a best friend won’t accept a flaw in me and won’t forgive me for showing that flaw in a moment of weakness.

  2. I am so sad that you feel that you can not be yourself and believe in your feelings. You know you can, right? I have always thought that the most important people will follow you, to where ever you go; whatever you do. Please remember that. If you have 1 person or a million, it does not matter. The correct and most important people are in that number.
    Your beliefs or your feelings toward certain things has zero bearing on your books and the content. I don’t personally know you and I don’t follow your pages per say but your books have been amazing and I have never in my life cried as hard as I did during Lost and Found. It stayed with me.
    Concentrate on your positive number and not so much about the rest.
    Take care.

  3. Lori…This whole political scene has been difficult. I finally let loose on Facebook after some cousins were being dismissive about the events today. I said my force…rather forcefully which is unusual because I am ULTRA non confrontational …and then my phone died and I had to charge it up. Haven’t checked yet to see if I’ve been unfriended by them!

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