Excerpt: In the Wake of Wanting – “Hashtag”

I’ve got another (brief) surprise for you! It’s excerpt time! Make sure you preorder In the Wake of Wanting on Kindle US, Kindle UK, or iBooks today!

It takes four hours for everyone to clear out of my apartment, including five investigators who swept the place and removed the camera after they checked for prints. My parents offered to take Coley’s out to lunch while Danny went to spend the afternoon combing through a week’s worth of security footage to find evidence of Evan Midland, the paparazzo who threatened me last week, somehow getting into my apartment. The building management, staff and doormen were of no help. The fact is, people slip by all the time, riding up the elevator with other residents. It’s not the most secure building. It’s not like Liv’s building, where you have to have a special key to get to her floor–granted, Dad owns the floor, and he took that safety measure himself.

It was my choice to rent while I’m in college, and while my father was able to make some modifications to the building by adding security cameras in the hallway, there wasn’t much more he could do. My own alarm system should have done the trick. The failure in that is what needs to be investigated.

Not ready to go out in public, Coley and I stay in. Teri and Pryana bring a few of Coley’s things from her dorm, as well as lunch that I’d ordered from Dig Inn. I’m addicted, and I’m making an addict out of my girlfriend, too. It’s all locally-sourced and relatively healthy, so I don’t figure it’s a problem.

“Has anyone at Carman Hall seen the video?” Coley asks her roommate. Teri’s expression says it all. That everyone has seen it. “I can’t go back there.”

“Everyone thinks… y’all released it,” she admits.

“What?” I ask, halting my task of setting the table. “Shit, are you kidding?” Teri shakes her head. “I don’t want anyone thinking that.”

“Trey, you have over 800,000 Twitter followers. Why don’t you say something about it?”

“Because I use that for my blog. I use it to share useful information and to raise awareness about issues in our community.”

“But you have a captive audience,” Pryana says. “Have you checked Twitter today?”

“Hell, no,” I say with a laugh.

“Well. You’re the top trending topic. You even have a hashtag.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“Hashtag TreyGoesDown,” she announces anyway. Coley covers her face.

“Well if that isn’t a dickish hashtag… makes you wonder who came up with that? Evan Midland himself?”

PROLOGUE: In the Wake of Wanting

Today, I’m releasing the prologue from In the Wake of Wanting. I made two graphics for it, but I’m doing a text-only version (like it’ll appear in the book) below them, if you prefer to read it that way. 🙂

A good man treads away

But his thoughts stay

Behind with the woman he loves

But can’t hold. Not today.

In the wake of wanting

He abandons parts of himself:

His heart. His desire. His future.

His future.

His future, he casts aside in his past

And for that, what has he to live for? To work toward?

In the wake of wanting

He leaves everything and retains nothing,

And that has to be good enough for him.

For her.

For now.

Another man runs.

Can he even be called a man?

It never looks back; never gives thought

To the women it’s taken

But not once loved.

In the wake of wanting

It leaves no discernible trace.

It’s cold. Methodic. Ruthless.

It lives in the present. It. Lives.

While the victims in its past slowly shy away

Lie awake

Cry, ashamed; pray to die.

In the wake of wanting

Through taking everything, it has even less, yet presses on.

Taking, taking. Taking more.

Excerpt: In the Wake of Wanting – “Dinner with the Hollands”

I mentioned (in my previous post) in the description of my upcoming book, In the Wake of Wanting, the flustered freshman that Trey Holland would meet. I didn’t mention that the flustered feeling would be contagious.

This excerpt brings back some of your favorites, if you’re a current reader of mine. (Livvy, Jon, Jack and Emi are all at dinner with Trey.) If you’re new to me, don’t worry. This novel is written as a stand-alone, so you’ll be given all the info you need to have. The ‘scene’ told from Trey’s perspective is below the graphic! Meet Cole–er, Coley!

“Hey,” my sister, Livvy, says. “Isn’t this when you get to mentor someone? Be an editor this semester to a newbie?”

“Yeah. I’m surprised you remember that.”

“So? What do you think of your mentee? Give me some details… name, qualifications, first impression.”

“Name is Coley…” I half-mumble.

“Cole?” my dad asks.

“Yeah,” I answer reflexively.

“And what do you think of him?”

“I, uh… I think he’ll be good,” I say. Fix it now, Trey. “He’s from Virginia. His dad’s a secret service agent assigned to the president, actually. His mom’s a cop in DC. They’re divorced, apparently.”

“How’s his writing?”

“He wouldn’t let me see his work. But he has to do that first impression assignment on me, so I’ll get to see something Wednesday. He’s obviously good enough to get on the Wit staff.”

“So, Trey, did he know who you were?” Mom asks.

“I mean, yeah, I guess so,” I answer vaguely. “He didn’t make a big deal out of it.”

The waiter delivers our salads. I stare at mine, knowing that I’m not going to be able to maintain a lie of this magnitude for an entire semester. I’m surprised they’re believing what I’m saying now, since I haven’t given anyone eye contact since I started answering them.

As soon as our waiter leaves, I continue the conversation. “She has a twin brother who’s deaf.”

“Who does?” my brother-in-law, Jon, asks.

“Cole.” I shake my head, still mentally berating myself for being unable to say her name.

“I thought you said she.”

I clear my throat. “Coley. Her name is Coley Fitzsimmons. It is a girl. She is a she.”

All the adults look at me curiously. “Is she, um… gender fluid?” Livvy asks, trying not to make a big deal about it. “Or transgender?” Everyone at the table smiles, showing their open-mindedness as they await my response.

“No,” I say as I exhale the breath I’d been holding in. “She’s a female, feminine girl. I don’t know why I was lying. Why I was saying he. Coley. That’s her name. And yes, she knows who I am, too. Everything else is true.”

Of course, my face is most definitely the color of the tomatoes in my salad. When I look up, everyone is still staring at me. “Is she getting under your skin, there, Trey?” Jon asks.

“What?” I ask, adamantly denying that she is. “No! No, no. She’s just my… I’m just her editor. That’s all it is. It’s just weird to be partnered with a girl. You know, we’re going to be working together a lot this semester. I don’t know how it’s going to go, that’s all. I expected a guy.”

“You were with a girl when you were the mentee, though,” my mom says. “It’s no different, right?”

“It’s very different,” I say defensively, having no rational reason why, though.

Add it to your Goodreads shelf!

Kindle US: http://amzn.to/2dEtdws

Kindle UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01M0CDNHN

iBooks: https://itun.es/us/Mk9nfb.l

Nook: [available next week]

Paperback: http://amzn.to/2dLccR7

Signed Paperback: bit.ly/llosignedbooks

Love Will lyrics: My Sol

This one’s kind of self-explanatory, so I’ll let the song speak for itself.

**SPOILER ALERT**

My Sol

Another month passes
I see you in my mind’s eye
My thoughts a million miles away
A galaxy between us
Or so it seems
You couldn’t be farther from me.

I stare out at the ocean
Looking in the wrong direction
Grounded, my toes buried in the sand
But I’m free-falling
Lost without you
Among the hot dark matter, I reel.

In my heliocentric world,
I’m a satellite to your sol
Your love keeps me tethered in orbit
When I’m lacking all self-control
No matter the distance I’ve strayed
I’m coming back home, my dear,
My arc draws closer; slower
Breaches your atmosphere

All I am, I give to you.
Please, my Sol, tell me “I do.”

Billions of light years
In this universe we know
So many thousands of years
Have we existed
Yet we met.
What are the chances?

And how lucky am I
That I get to hold yours close
Out of all the heavenly bodies I’ve seen?
Warm and radiant
Against all others
You shimmer; your spirit dances.

All I am, I give to you.
Please, my Sol, tell me “I do.”

I’m the moon to your earth
The earth to your sun
Constellation of reasons
Why you’re the one
You’re the light to my shadows
The warmth for my shiver
Your touch radiates
Makes my whole body quiver.

My whole world, I give to you.
Please, my Sol, tell me “I do.”

All I am, I give to you.
Please, my Sol, tell me “I do.”

Back to song list…

Love Will lyrics: Hey, Hampton

After a night watching one of his bandmate’s kids, Will has a change of heart about having children of his own someday.

Hey, Hampton

Hey, Hampton
What a friend I have made today
Say, Hampton
Oh, how I’ve been led astray
But you showed me the way
Hey, Hampton

For years I’ve lived in dread and fear
Unsure of how I’ll be
Sometimes I think I’ve seen too much
Perhaps they’d ruined me

But just a short while spent with you
Has made me see the light
This funny, little, pale, blonde babe
Inspired me to write

Hey, Hampton
What a friend I have made today
Say, Hampton
Oh, how I’ve been led astray
But you showed me the way
Hey, Hampton

You’re a little like your daddy
In all of the good ways
You already have more hair than him
For that, I am amazed!

It doesn’t seem his OCD
Was passed down onto you
The socks you had to wear last night
One was green; one was blue

Hey, Hampton
What a friend I have made today
Say, Hampton
Oh, how I’ve been led astray
But you showed me the way
Hey, Hampton

Insecurity has held me back
Infidelity was in my bones
Addiction was a big concern
Love, not in my comfort zone

Were these things innate in me,
And would I pass them on
To any child doomed to be
The son of trouble’s spawn?

Your kindness is what I’d expect
From any child of his
And you insist on holding hands
When my hair wants for my fist

Hey, Hampton, you’re the very best
Of all that is my friend
You give me hope that a child of mine
Will be a good one in the end.

Hey, Hampton
What a friend I have made today
Say, Hampton
Oh, how I’ve been led astray
But you showed me the way
Hey, Hampton

Back to song list…

Love Will lyrics: Harness

This song was only mentioned in passing, and only part of the lyrics were written. The song was written a couple years ago, in Will’s more promiscuous days.

Harness

Bucking, wild, can’t rein me in
Sultry, sweet, the taste of sin
Flee each night from where I’ve been
No harness made will hold me
And she cannot control me
There’s no praise for the virtueless,
A man untamed, like me.

manuntamed copy

Back to song list…

Love Will lyrics: Oleander Petals

Will’s relationship with his mom was bad, but the one with his dad has been virtually non-existent… and a few months ago, when William (Sr.) found out that Will’s brother Max was gay, he wanted nothing to do with his sons at all. Well, Will wasn’t going to let him have the final word. Not only did he visit his father in person, he had a song to write for him.

Oleander Petals

Strong hands never cradled me
Or helped me fix my tie
A deep voice never comforted
The little one who cried

The dim bulbs that need changing
Were always out of reach
Can a boy grow to his worth
When no one’s there to teach?

Oleander petals on her pillow
Words of love professed with venom’d tongue
Mom’s cheeks caressed, still rosy from your backhand
The air you breathed was CO in her lung

“dad” was always just a noun
I never deemed it proper
And when Mom called you other things
You made sure to stop her

Was it the drugs and alcohol
That fucked with your mindset
Made you name me after you
To help you not forget?

Oleander petals on her pillow
Words of love professed with venom’d tongue
Mom’s cheeks caressed, still rosy from your backhand
The air you breathed was CO in her lung

Mistook me for a quiet child
Thought I’d never say a word
Now I’ve come to see the man
And make sure that I’m heard
How can I look just like you
And still think who the hell
Is this person standing next to me
His frame, a soulless shell?

Without this father in my life
I never learned to brawl
Or how to hate for differences
In anything at all

I fell in love with someone
You would certainly oppose
But she and I will start a life
That’s nothing like you chose

Oleander petals on her pillow
Words of love professed with venom’d tongue
Mom’s cheeks caressed, still rosy from your backhand
The air you breathed was CO in her lung

Back to song list…

Love Will lyrics: Restart

This song tells the story of how Will and Shea met, and the moment he fell in love with her.

Restart

Another restive night
Like an eight-hour cyclone
This solitary plight
A phase I’ve not outgrown

A carousel of notions
I’m powered by the sun
But just go through the motions
And then at dusk, I’m done

A man like any other, who likes a woman’s touch,
Sex is my barbiturate; it’s always been my crutch.
It’s never really done what I’ve expected it to do
I’ve never actually slept a night until I slept with you.

Blizzard in the north
A cold, November stroll
I knew from that day forth
I was sheltered by your soul

Sense the heat surrounding
From thirty feet apart
A feeling so confounding
I felt my heart restart

An experiment of fact
To combat your fear of lies
Your exterior, I cracked
When you looked into my eyes

A time of give and take
Of your stories for mine
Knew a lot was at stake
This whole detour was a sign

Up against my chest, you whispered in my ear
Spoke to me four words I’d never thought I’d hear
Took advantage of the offer and kissed that dimpled cheek
You took everything I gave you, leaving me fatigued and weak
I’m indebted to you. Alert. Awake.
I’m committed to you. Assuaged. Appeased.
I submit to you. At ease. Asleep.

LoveWill3

Back to song list…

Love Will lyrics: Standard

Shea walks out. In physical and emotional pain, Will writes this song.

Standard

Most delicate of fruits, intense yet sweet
Her skin–the taste, it lingered on my tongue
The scent of apricot perfumed her hair
A smell so fresh, I gasped, inhaled, I clung

Onto her body, flesh as hot as mine
My fingertips now intimately wise
The push and pull of lovers intertwined
Her curves, her form, there was no higher prize

You were mine to keep
Be someone else’s ideal
My sun would always rise and set
With the image of your smile
You weren’t meant to be my standard
Sure everyone needs that person
To hold all others up to
But to me you were the one

An apparition stood in front of me
My vision insufficient; the allure
Of her, an angel, perfect as she was
She’d never see the same in me, I’m sure

“Open. Come in.” Her voice rang clear that day
I spoke. She talked. I heard her dialect
She whispered once, then shouted out my name
She sounded like a song, in retrospect

“I love you” was never easy for me
Is this really it for us? Say no
She’s incomparable–no other woman can be
She’s the best of everything I know

Back to song list…

Love Will lyrics: Twenty-four Year Wrath

Will and his mother have had a tumultuous relationship since… well, birth, pretty much. She was an alcoholic, and he resented her from his very first memory. In this song, Will has finally begun to see how alike he and his mother are, and he has finally started to forgive her for all the ways she failed him in his youth.

Twenty-four Year Wrath

Six young eyes look up in wonder
Watch a mother douse her pain
Family is torn asunder
Bottle bears a life of strain

Every sip; grows more unsightly
Serves him up another round
Bedroom door, revolving nightly
Asks us not to make a sound

A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me
Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be
A broken heart, it crushed her soul, derailed her from her path
One son would blindly follow her, internalize the wrath

Love destroyed me, heart was hardened
I was sixteen, just a boy
She was faithless, then it started
Life was nothing but a ploy

Taking comfort in relations
Stroke me, use me, calm my mind
Never fearful of damnation–
I’m the boy Mom left behind

She’s sober now and thinking clear
It’s me who can’t see through the blear
My brothers find the faults in me
I think it’s how I want to be
I realize when I’m all alone
I was always first to cast the stone
It’s her I see in this old mirror
She never left; she was always here.

Twenty-four and wandering, aimless,
Stumbled into love one day
Came to terms that I’m not blameless
Sorrow mounts, to her dismay

Empathy for all her anguish
Rushed me like a flooding creek
After that, she’d never languish
From the barbs I used to speak

A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me
Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be
A broken heart, it crushed her soul, but couldn’t steal her light
One son would proudly follow her, encouraged by her fight

Back to song list…

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